A World Not Our Own.....

Friday, I'm running away from home. A very close friend and I are headed to Isla Mujeres, an island off the Cancun Coast, to do some soul searching, heart nurturing, and basically escape our worlds for a time. It's good to run away sometimes, so long as you're willing to come back, and face that which is sending you off.

The other day I realized I'm not much different than the little girl I was at age 6, or maybe it was 7. Something happened at home, something that made me mad, something I couldn't control. I decided to run away from home because I was mad. I was packing my backpack/sack, whatever it was, basically my bandanna filled with stuff, tied to my stick, flung over my shoulder. My mom, inquizically asked me where I was going, and I told her that I was running away from home. She calmly said "Did you pack something to eat?" Of course, I hadn't thought that far ahead and replied "No." She said, "Well, let me get you something so you don't get hungry." A spin on her heels and she was off to the kitchen. She returned with some food wrapped in foil, handed my "sustinance" to me, leaned down, gave me a hug and a kiss and said, "You know, we'll always be here for you when you change your mind."

Off I went. I decided to begin my journey down the trail that ran along a small creek behind our house. It trailed behind our neighbors homes toward the main road in our small, Ohio township. If I recall correctly, I got to about the Shennenberger's back yard, two houses down from ours, before I decided I was hungry. I sat down, opened the foil of food only to find my very favorite.... cinnamon-sugar graham crackers. YUM! I indulged myself with the goodness of them, gobbling them up and savoring all their sweetness. Finishing my "meal" I stood up, brushed the crumbs off my shorts, grabbed my stuff and headed further down the trail past two more houses when it occurred to me .... I wanted some more yummy graham crackers, so spun on my heels and headed home, to my mom, who was waiting at the kitchen table, with a glass of milk and the rest of the crackers.

My husband knows exactly how to love me, just like my mom did. He has blessed me by encouraging me to go, loving me enough to let me go, and sending me off with the yumminess of his love. So when I sit down on the island, and gobble up the gift of love he sent me off with, I know I will stand up, brush the sand off my shorts, look to heaven, and thank God for all that He blesses me with... and know that although this gift is a world not my own, I love and enjoy my world too, the greater gift; my home, and all that it holds, and has to offer.

The sun continues to rise....

Inspite of the grief we feel when we lose someone we love, the sun continues to rise, day after day, waiting on us to renew ourselves, like the new days the sun brings. Loss is a strange thing. It breaks us down, gets us a bit "strung out", but at the same time can center us, ground us in a way. It makes us appreciate what we have been blessed with and has us look, with new prespective, on what is right before us, that which we may, unfortunately, take for granted.

Sadness comes, sadness goes, but the loss is like a hole. Even "Little Dog" feels it. I see it in her too. I thank God that she's here with me, doing funny things to make me laugh, things to distract me. Yesterday, we had a beautiful day. It was 60 degrees most of the day. All the recent snow had melted. When I got home from feeding horses and running errands I thought, "I need to play with Syd in the back yard.. throw the frisbee around, have her jump through the who-lee-hoop....have some FUN." No sooner did I open the gate to the big yard then she caught sight of her next door girlfriend... and they were off!! Running the fence, frolicking away, when I realized the sound I was hearing... it was squishy... and wet... and ... "Oh my....." "Little Dog was completely covered in soft, silty, gushy mud. Like she'd been dipped in chocolate. I figured "what the heck", the damage was done, so I let her go at it for the next hour or so. When play time ended I had to hose her off BEFORE I brought her in for the bath. I kick myself for not taking a picture of her first "mud-ball" game. She looked fantastic!

This last week I found myself migrating to Nai-Nai's resting place, missing her, wanting her back. Then yesterday I went to the Black Hills Humane Society. Not because I wanted a kitten. I just wanted to be near some cats. I pet as many as I could touch, held the ones that were desperate for contact, loved on them, let them love on me, and met so many different personalities. I told my friend Gina on the phone today that I really wanted to find Nainey there, but she wasn't. I don't want just a cat, I want her, and she wasn't there. She will never be there. None can replace her. I know the day will again come when I am ready. When God delivers the little critter to me. When He sends the one I am to have, the one that needs me, and I will be ready to open that spot for the love.

So, today I am thankful for what I did get in my time with Nainey. For my wonderful husband, my darling dog, my healing horse... she just calms my spirit. I am grateful for the roof over my head, the warm bed I sleep in each night, the food that so many take for granted (me sometimes), the hot shower, the lofty snow of this morning, the radiant sun that replaced the snow, the love of my wonderful family and friends, who lift me up, support me, encourage me, take me out so I'm not alone at tough times, and love me unconditionally. When you sit down and list it... think about it... revel in it... how can you just be "content"? I am more than content. I am so blessed.

Post - Post day 1, after some comments on the blog....

I was watching one of my "tivo" shows and one character summarized exactly what we feel. The line went like this..."When you lose your parents, your an orphan. When you lose your spouse, you're a widow, or widower. But when you lose your baby? There's no word for it. There's no definition for who you become."I just pray that through our loss we turn the ashes to beauty, somehow, someway, that we become something better, because in all honesty, that is who "they" saw us to be. We are that person... we just might not know it yet.

"Oh................, Oh....................., the sun is shining, and I am here with You again.... Oh..........., Oh..........., a new day's dawning... and I can feel the hope again, the sun is shining."