Since August 29th, Rick's "best, worst day", when we got the news that he literally dodged the bullet, I've been a swirling mess. Almost like I'm on a bipolar carnival ride of gratitude and emotional collapse, I struggle with the "reality" and "gravity" and "finiteness" of life. My ride on the "Happy Go Lucky" bus took a detour, one I'd hope was a temporary one, but as life would have it became a permanent re-routing. Everything that once seemed pretty secure became infinitely unstable and uncontrolled. I know, I know... I never really had, nor do I ever have, control over anything, except maybe myself, and at times that too is lost on the ever changing fluctuation of "things", which I humbly concede, leaves me in a pile. Some of you have seen the "pile" of Joelle. Most recently, some of you have heard me "rant", which I must say is the precursor to the collapse, and a sure sign that the ground has fallen out from under me.
In hindsight, I should have seen "me" coming, however, all the documentation about Rick's surgery, the recovery, the emotional changes (i.e. suffering the five stages of death, struggles with slow recovery, depression, etc.) were all describing things the PATIENT may deal with, when in reality, the PATIENT has handled the whole thing rather well, and I have taken on my usual "freak-out" internally, and act like it's all good externally.
I am very thankful Rick dodged the said bullet, but in that blessing came the very real and grim reality that he could have died had things not transpired the way they did. And for me, that changed everything, for about three weeks. On week four, while Rick is getting back on track, it was as if I could hear the "Happy Go Lucky" bus driving by, but I still wasn't ready to get back on, as if for some reason I just knew it couldn't be completely trusted. Then the day came when it's was happening. Things were suddenly feeling like they were getting back to normal. It was a Wednesday. I literally was feeling the cloak of my fears lifting from my shoulders, until I got the call on Thursday. My father, while mowing his yard, developed severe chest pain, and since having been with us in South Dakota during Rick's episode and having experienced how close a call he had, decided he should get it checked out. So off to the ER he went to, like Rick, get a one way ticket in for an extended stay and bypass surgery. Almost to the month, my dad, like Rick, had a very nasty and narrow passageway through the dreaded "Widow Maker", but somehow, thankfully, they both were spared. Again, gratefulness, reality, and a multitude of overwhelming feelings consumed me. Happiness that it was caught, sadness that we knew what daddy was going to have face, and once again the ever present uncertainty about everything. Thankfully, he too has made a full recovery.
Life, it can't be stopped, or controlled, or planned really well because it's very nature is to just happen. And happen it does. Most of it is good, some of it is bad, and a lot of it very confusing, well at least for me, and those of you who know me well, know how very weak I am even though I try to put on the front that I am strong.
As life would have it, and well she does, she came at us yet again. The first week of November Rick's mom was diagnosed with Stage III non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. Again, my world got shook-up. Again, I struggled and wondered, and questioned, and the only answer that kept returning to me is "That's life, it happens." The most recent news gave me great pause because there is no quick fix like surgery and a couple days in the ICU to fix Rick's mom. She, on the other hand, has been the strongest through this, thus far. She is accepting her diagnosis with dignity and understanding and that too, is very hard for me.
We were able to spend a nice couple of days with our families in Southern California over Thanksgiving. As always, it's good to sit together, visit, talk about things, remember the good times, laugh and enjoy each others company. It's good to spend our lives together. I'm just trying to find ground that our time spending will, unfortunately one day, become our time spent together, and that has been the burden of my heart as of late. That being said, I've decided to let the "Happy Go Lucky" bus pass me up, and I've decided to instead board the "Seize the Day" bus and change my attitude. To be thankful for all that I'm fortunate enough to have, hopeful for the future, and find ways to tend and nurture all those I love around me, it is the only true thing I have to give, and it is the only true reason to keep pressing on when life acts up on me. Needless to say, this life makes me so happy and makes me so sad, just like the song goes.
